I feel so Selfish

I’m not here to loathe in how shitty I am, … but I have been shitty, and not just like a bad attitude.

A bad mindset, an unhealthy and disturbing mindset. 

For some reason over the past year I’ve gotten it into my head that if something bad happens it’s my fault, and that if I was just a better person or more perfect I could have fixed it.

So I was constantly trying to improve myself to make myself more confident and be more proud of myself, but what I think I was doing was hiding. I was hiding behind the fact that I was hurting, I was suffering

Suffering from my past, my present, and my future

I was taking my entire life of events, even ones that hadn’t happened yet and putting them on myself.

I thought it was weakness for people to forget what they had done, regrets they had my, bad life decisions and unhappiness that they caused when they hurt others.

And maybe it is, but the way I handled it was what made it disturbing.

I was forcing myself to take the blame for all these things, regardless of whether or not they were my fault

I don’t know if it’s just in our DNA to remember traumatic life events, but my life like many of you has been traumatic. It’s affected me in ways I’ll never truly understand.

But instead of dealing with them, I was hiding from them with the mask of perfection, I would try to project myself as this person who sought perfection to make up for my mistakes. But what I was really doing was not dealing with them, because who wants to deal with trauma …

This has been really hard on my relationship and me, carrying this weight of sought after perfection pulling a few truck fills of mistakes was what brought me to tears so often. I was so scared to make more mistakes because I knew how much pain they brought me. I didn’t want to put this pain on the one I love … but I always managed to regardless ..

I’ve seen her crack so many fake smiles to make me feel better it’s almost heartbreaking. This woman deserves a god damn lifetime of awards for the shit she’s had to put up with for me, the emotional drama I’ve dragged her through

I’m selfish because I was putting all my baggage on her, without even knowing it, without wanting to, because who would want too.

But when you’re carrying this much shit, some of it is bound to fall through the cracks and land on those you love, those you try to protect the most

I’m not sure I’ll ever get over some of the things that have happened to me, maybe some of you can tell me if you ever did.

But I’m going to try and lay things out that have happened in my life, to explain this trauma, to reach why I’m hurting so much … then maybe I can actually face it, look it in the fucking face and tell it how I fucking feel. Because no one deserves to feel like this, no one deserves to feel worse than this, and there are plenty of people that feel worse than me .. maybe it’s you, maybe it’s someone we’ll never talk too. Maybe they are hurting so bad that they reach a darkness they can’t get out of and they drag others in with them.

I’m sorry but I don’t believe people are born bad,  I will never believe that bull shit that some people are just bad .. I think some of us are just hurting more than others, I think someone us don’t have anyone, and never will

The least I can do is help those who need it, … you’d be surprised by what smiling to a stranger on the street can do, holding the door for someone, waving to them and telling them you hope they have a nice day .. cause maybe no one else in their life is

When you show someone that they made your day just because of who they are … that will light up their life like youve never seen.

While I’m dealing with my own problems, I’m going to continue to help others with theirs, maybe it’s in a very small way, but people need it more than you think, just remember they have a life of trauma just like you, some are just better at hiding it, I hide mine extremely well, that’s what makes me selfish

Till next time listeners, I hope you have a great day, you deserve it

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