When I think about you, I can’t explain it but I get so happy.
That may see obvious to many of those fallen in love before, but the key thing for me is, I can’t explain it …
Because for whatever reason when I think about certain past memories I also think about the fights, and all the shitty things I’ve done ex. lose confidence in myself, and it’s affected your happiness and trust (remember the foundation of our relationship 1st post)
I also think about how I work so much and come home really tired after 1.5 hour commute. I’m tired but I always get a smile on my face when I see you, cause I know you’ve spent the whole day thinking and worrying about me. Same from me to you. But anyway I think about how this affects you, would it be better for you if I stayed home, or do you consciously think that would be better and in actuality it might complicate our relationship … is the space apart while I work and you study good for us? idk but I wish I did, I wish that’s an answer I could give you.
It gets to the point where I really wish I could know what you’re thinking, so I could make you happy … But then that’s not love is it, that’s basically just a machine granting wishes, there’s no emotion, no heart, no devotion, no human … that’s the last thing I want, I want something that I don’t want.
There’s no cheat codes in this game, it’s not a game, it’s our life, our love
The next day, after an argument, do you dislike me more? do you feel further away? are you more confused by me making you less confident in my ability to take care of you and love you?
I think about these things too
All these things, lead me to be self-conscious and lose my confidence, and my emotions spiral out of control, hurting you further, it hurts me too ..
To see myself hurt you, is the most painful experience I’ve ever been through
you’re the only thing that can make me cry
I’ve yet to figure out if that’s a good thing, and how to control my emissions
or what I should do about my faulty personality
Till next time listeners